Creating a Safe Haven Marriage
A client who has seen her third marriage crumble asked me how long I have been married. I took a deep breath and replied, “41 years.” After all that makes me sound so old! Her next question, “how in the world do you do that,” got me thinking.
It’s not that Mike and I have had 41 years of unmitigated happiness. Bliss ended for me with a horrendous tooth ache something like two weeks after we said, “I do.” Since then life has been what it is for most people, a combination of good times and bad, joy and pain, challenges and achievements. While our marriage has endured, it has had its ups and downs.
It has endured in part because we are committed – to each other and the institution of marriage. Our marriage vows were for as long as we both shall live, not as long as are both ‘in love.’ Trust me, there have been many days that I did not feel ‘in love,’ nor did I act in a loving way. There were assuredly days when I thought ‘if only… I had married someone different…someone who thinks like I do….who wants what I want…. someone more like me.’
But we hang in there and eventually the feeling of love returns. Not the overwhelming, passionate, ‘can’t wait to get my hands on you, just let me hear your voice and all will be well’ love of a new romance. It is rather the heart level emotional connection of maturing love that can kindle romance given the appropriate attention.
It is difficult to maintain that essential emotional connection in the midst of raising a family, pursuing careers and trying to make ends meet. The daily demands on time and energy can be overwhelming, and it is easy to begin to see your spouse as one more demanding entity, to feel life would be better without him or her. To keep the connection alive, it is crucial to nurture your relationship, to make focused time together a priority.
It is most important for your relationship to be a safe haven.
At this point in our marriage, we know we can count on each other in times of crisis and in the everyday. We are not perfect by any means, but neither of us has hurt the other in major ways like abuse or affairs. But being human, we do let each other down at times, and we know that love means being willing to say you are sorry.
We learned to let go of unrealistic expectations and accept and value each other for who we are. He is never going to sit and talk for hours, and I am never going to get the names of all those power tools straight, much less start using them. We are never going to see eye to eye on a whole range of issues or even enjoy the same favorite foods.
But we do share a common faith and important values, and we are free to express our thoughts and feelings and call each other out when necessary.
It takes courage to live in an intimate relationship, committed to caring and to practicing open communication and forgiveness, while staying true to yourself. It takes listening and explaining. It takes being willing to negotiate and it takes being assertive and standing up for yourself. Sometimes it takes admitting you are drowning and asking for help.
Whatever it takes, a safe-haven marriage is worth it.